When I get down about something I beat myself up more than anyone else could... and today is one of those days. One thing goes wrong and then I pile everything else on top of it...
I have disappointed people who I am invested in and I don't know how and why... but evidently I have.
I am not performing at my best, and I don't know why... maybe I do, but it's not something I can switch off.
If I make changes that I want to make, I will disappoint others... and might make a situation better for myself.
The only person I truly care about not disappointing is the One that I want so bad to hear from... but I'm not doing something right... because I can't hear Him, or He isn't answering. Right now they are one in the same...
I miss my Daddy and that just adds to it all... I want to be able to talk to him about these frustrations and I can't. Yes I am blessed to have people to talk to... but I want to talk to him.
I know He has a plan, and He has through all of this... but sometimes it's just harder to see that path than others. It's harder to make sense of the things I don't understand... It's hard to understand His reasons why things have happened when I don't see what will happen down the road.
... and I want to... so so bad.
I've been reading a lot in Proverbs lately about wisdom and gaining understanding. Oh how I long for the Wisdom of what I need to be doing right now... His Will and my lack of wisdom have me all confused... am I doing what I am supposed to be doing because this is where He has me... or am I somehow avoiding some inevitable change because I can't hear what He is saying to me. How can I be doing what I am supposed to be doing if I'm not doing it well... and I don't mean successfully... i mean well in general.
I've noticed in a few places that the author talks about keeping wisdom at your head and your heart... at least I think that is what this means:
8My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother:
9For they shall be an ornament of grace unto thy head, and chains about thy neck.
... it makes sense any way that those instructions and laws would be on your head for your mind and around your neck for you heart.... and that's where they are... they truly are. In my mind and my heart they are... but the Lord knows me better than I do... so if nothing is working out... then maybe they aren't.
Oh what joy I would feel to know what He wants me to do and be sure of that. I have not really really wanted anything in a long time... nothing tangible anyway... but this, I need this. So much... and soon. I know there are points in life when we must be broken before the Lord... and I'm there... I'm so there.
I would appreciate prayers... whoever may be reading this. For wisdom and that He would show me His will and open the appropriate doors for me... this has been such a long journey, and I'm ready for some destination. Also... that until that point I can do better to not disappoint those I am surrounded by as often. Or that the ones I do will love and respect me anyway... including myself.