Sunday, June 19, 2016

A letter to my daddy...

I've been really quiet today, alone at home most of the day avoiding the subject of the day. I just have not had the words today, honestly don't know if I want to find them. Finding them and processing them makes it real... Again. Another Father's Day means another year without him. How can 7 years have passed without him?? I don't know the answer to that. Sometimes it seems like forever, other days it seems like yesterday. 

As I sat and thought today, I thought about how his presence in my life has changed. How my emotions of changed... How I've changed. 


Dear Daddy, 

I don't cry as much as I used to... I'm crying now, but it is no longer a daily occurrence as it used to be. 

Instead of missing you all day, I miss you in small moments, when things remind me of you, or something you said, or something you did. Sometimes I get a whiff of dirt and grass, or oil, and those smells remind me of you after a hard day's work. 

I hear your voice in my head and it no longer surprises me... It's comforting. There are times when I call out to you and ask for your advice and hear nothing... But other times when I don't know I need to hear from you, but I do.

There are times when I don't know what to do about something or HOW to do something, and though I might consult the "destructions" as you called them (instructions), I always think about how or what you would do. Sometimes that results in a completed project, other times I might have some parts left over... 

There are times when the morning of June 20 comes to mind and I try to push the thoughts as far away as possible. I don't like to relive those last moments, though I'm sure there is a reason God brings them to my mind. Mom and I talked about it the other day, evidently I screamed, I remember that Shane fell to his knees as mom honored your wishes... and most of the rest is a blur. I do remember the words I whispered to you, and I know you must have heard them. 

I hate this day. For us it was the beginning of life without you... For you it was the beginning of Eternity with Him. I know that is what you would want me to focus on, and I try to... But I miss you daddy, I miss you all the time. 

I will go days without thinking about you... Well, not without thinking about you, but without thinking of you as gone.  Maybe that's a blessing... You're always here... your voice, your words, your personality, your attitude... It permeates me. 

I have SO much of you in me. The most wonderful compliment I've ever received is that I remind someone of you. Oh! If only I could be as good as you, as wise as you, as caring and kind as you! You are my example of how to love and treat others. Though we live in a crazy world with a lot of hate and confusion, I know without question that your example would be to love and share God's love with everyone you meet. 

Oh how I wish everyone could have known you!! I even wish you knew Rhett. You might not like that he is asleep on the couch right now, but you would love him... I know it. One day I'll hopefully meet a man like you... what an answer to prayer that would be. If I could find a husband who was just a little like you, it would be a wonderful thing... I only hope that I will be able to compel to him what an amazing person you were, you will always be to me. 

I still laugh at you. I don't even remember what it was but I was laughing about something you said/did the other day with mom... And those moments, those memories are salve for our broken hearts daddy... I need those moments... I know mom and Shane do too. 

We miss you so much, in our own ways, but we do. I hope you would be proud of us... Today when I was cleaning the barn I thought about you, and how I hope you would be proud of how mom has kept up the place and I've tried to help since I've been home. I know we haven't always made the best decisions, but we have done our best... 

My words fail me now, which was something you never had a problem with... Just another thing I'm thankful that you left behind. Thank you for being the best daddy... I love you always, I miss you till I see you again... Happy Father's Day. 

Love you,