Tuesday, July 5, 2011

A conversation between me and God...

I had an interesting conversation with myself in the car today... well, I guess it was really between me and God, since as usual He was kicking me in the face with a lesson. Here's my recap of the conversation (with the random thoughts being those from God)... 

Me: I'm frustrated because I feel like God is closing so many doors and never opening any. Why lay something on my heart and not allow any of the opportunities I seek to work out, or not provide any others for me to pursue? I said I would go anywhere and do anything... I just want to be in His Will... but He keeps closing doors. I had a desire to go home because I feel like that is where He is leading me, but that is waning because of the lack of opportunity. I am unsatisfied in my current situation, so how long do I wait for Him to open a door before I just try to make a change even if it is not in a place I feel led to go. 
God: (lots of silence here....)
Me: I am kind of tired of being tested. I have been unsettled for over a year. I just want a change... something different to do everyday... new things to see... new people to know... why can't that change happen when I pray and try so fervently to listen for His Will... why has the last year seemed like a constant trial and error of seeking opportunities and having doors slammed. 
God: How do you know you have learned the lesson, without a test?
Me: Well then why all the lessons... can't life just be simple and I just be happy. 
God: But Kacey, you asked for them... 
(flashback to Daddy's death...when I asked God not to let the pain and loss be a waste, to when I asked Him to teach me lessons from the experience and make me wise like my daddy.)
Me: Oh, yeah...

So what do I do... Lord, what do I do??? I am unsettled, somedays I am unhappy... I want to be settled, and I want to be happy. I want Your Will, but just as with gaining wisdom... you can't absorb His will... you have to learn it. You have to learn and experience things to become wise, you have to learn and experience Him to know His Will. (I am literally clarifying this to myself as I type this...) I cannot give up on the desires and calling He has revealed to me: working with  college students and moving back home. I cannot give up on that no matter how far apart my want and His Will may drift. My logical mind sometimes has difficulty differentiating the two... when doors may open in one place and close in another... my heart is pulled back and forth and the unsettling feelings shuffle back in. 

My desire is your Will Lord. Please just show me. Please let the opportunities come. Please let me be vulnerable to hear You speak to me... even if it isn't what I want to hear. Please give me peace no matter the outcome and please help me to understand. This is my prayer tonight Lord... open a door... that opportunity will be your Will... for nothing happens without Your 

{You will keep in perfect peace 
   those whose minds are steadfast, 
   because they trust in you.}

Isaiah 26:3
Love You, 

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