Sunday, August 15, 2010

I can't be mad at God...

While I was driving home on Friday I thought about how sometimes I really want to be mad at God... but I can't be.

- I can't be mad at God because one time, last summer, I was... and it was the deepest valley I have ever been.

- I can't be mad at God because without Him I am nothing, and nothing can't be mad.

- I can't be mad at God because He has blessed me with too many other things that I should thank Him for.

- I can't be mad at God, because I love Him too much... even though I sometimes have odd ways of showing it.

However, I often wonder at God's motives (but then again, He doesn't have to have motives, because He has nothing to prove to anybody). Right now I am in such a torn place. I mentally know that I need to be in Birmingham, getting ready for RA training that starts on Tuesday. At the moment though, I am emotionally (and physically) in Hattiesburg because it seems as if Pawpaw may go Home to be with the Lord and daddy any minute now. It's such a hard place for me to be, knowing that if he does not die (and yes, I know how horrible that sounds) I have to go back to Birmingham, but will probably get THE phonecall in the next day or two.

I have to say, if you have never watched someone "waste away" as my cousin Kim put it, it is a horrible thing. Over the last month I have seen Pawpaw every weekend. And every weekend he looks smaller, he has lost more weight, his bones are more visible, his voice is quieter, he is weaker, and he eats less and less. Since I got home Friday afternoon he has eaten 3 or 4 spoonfuls of soup and drank water, and has been out of bed about 30 minutes... IN 2 DAYS!! If you have never had to watch something like this... I hope you never do... because it so hard to watch a loved one lose their lease on life. I keep praying that God will be merciful and take him. As I was driving home on Friday I kept saying, "Daddy, come get him." Selfishly (i'm all about the honesty here on the blog), I also really want to be here so that I don't have the emotional drive home. God has had me at home for all the other deaths in the family... so I am praying He will take care of me for this one too.

So back to the point of the blog, no matter how much things don't make sense and I cannot wrap my head around His Will sometimes... I can't be mad at Him. I just trust, rely, and ask for strength from Him when I feel as if I am torn, tired, and can't deal with another challenge... because more than anything I know that I can't be mad at Him... because without Him I can do nothing.

Love Y'all, KC

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