Friends... I need some prayer.
I am frankly mad at myself for what I'm about to blog about... because I feel selfish, ungrateful, and impatient.
I also feel incredibly frustrated and confused.
I want change in my life, new experiences professionally. And while I have made efforts to change things... I feel as if doors have been slammed shut, or were locked from the beginning. There's that old saying where if God shuts a door, He will open a window... so frankly I'm wondering Where's my Window??
But how incredibly pompous is that of me?? To think that just because I want something, and feel as if I have worked hard to get it (and dare I say, deserve it!!)... that I should get it?? This is the aspect of all of this that makes me mad... I don't deserve anything... and I'm blessed to have whatever He decides to give me... everything I have can be taken away in an instance, and I CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!!! HE IS IN CONTROL... NOT ME!
So that's the selfish, ungrateful part of the post...
I feel frustrated because I do feel like I deserve some opportunities, but they are not coming my way... and at the same time I feel frustrated because I want Him to take me where He wants to go... but I am not seeing or hearing anything to point me in a direction... not anything that makes sense to me anyway... not anything that I comprehend. But I know He will take me where He wants to... but I want to have an active role in that process!! I am impatient for His plan... because I want to be in His will... and this is where I need prayers.
Finally, the confusion. I really feel like God is going to throw a HUGE hitch in my plans... and I want to say that I'm ready for it... I hope I am ready for it... I'm praying that I'll be ready for it... for whatever, wherever, whenever...
Friends, please pray for me and with me about these things... to be honest these thoughts are consuming me... to the point of having a negative effect on my attitude. I have noticed myself feeling bitter... not toward God, but toward those who may not see my potential for different professional positions. I have felt unappreciated (which is a pretty selfish thing to admit) professionally... and I want this attitude to change... I need this attitude to change. I want to remain the optimist... not observing only the unopened doors... but searching for the windows.