Saturday, January 23, 2010


regret /rɪˈgrɛt/[ri-gret]

–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.
2. to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.
3. a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.
4. a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.
5. regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation: I sent her my regrets.
6. a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation: I have had four acceptances and one regret.

I have 2 regrets in my life...

The first is that I lied to my team in Guatemala... We played a game one night where each person got to ask a question and everyone had to answer. I lied on my answer to "What is the one thing you regret most?" To my team, I'm sorry... I didn't think I could truly answer that question without totally breaking down... so here's the answer..

My biggest regret is something I can't think about without crying, and of course... it involves my dad. The last time I know that daddy could hear me was the night before he died... I didn't tell him I loved him, I didn't talk about how happy I was to have him in my life, and I didn't thank him for being the best daddy in the whole world. I joked with him about his hair falling out.

He smiled, and I know he knows (knew, whatever) that I loved him more than anyone else in the world... but I should have told him when I knew he could hear me. My problem was, until that very moment... it never crossed my mind that daddy would die from Leukemia. There had never been a doubt in my mind that he would beat his illness and live on to walk me down the aisle and love on the grandkids I hoped that he would one day have.

Now, those are two things I will never experience with my dad.

I know that me telling him I loved him would not have changed the outcome of his life. Because I know that when God makes a plan, He follows through with it... but I sure know it would have made me feel better if I would have said those words instead of being cowardly and joking with him. If you are wondering, I did get the chance to tell him I loved him before he died, when I saw him early the next morning... but I won't know till I see him again if he actually comprehended what I said... and that will follow me forever. I know he knew I loved him though... no one can ever doubt that.

So many times in our life we may ask the question, "Why Me Lord?" And most of the time when we ask that question it is during a time of tragedy or loss, or when it feels like God may be forgetting us. But today I was thinking about that question from a different perspective. Why did God choose to allow me to live and grow up in the US? Where I have never been victimized because of my gender, where I have certain rights that protect me, where I have never had to sleep out in the cold and have always had indoor plumbing and running water? Why did the Lord choose to bless me so much... when I don't deserve any of it?!!?

Later in the day... after thinking about that question... I heard a song I had never heard before and it was like God saying, "share it Kacey... share your thoughts on what's burdening you." My regret was my burden. I don't think I had told anyone... and well, now I've told everyone (everyone who is reading this anyway) about the regret I can never take back. The song, is "Why Me Lord," written by Kris Kristofferson and sung by Johnny Cash. Here are the lyrics:

why me lord?
what have i ever done,
to deserve even one,
of the Blessings i've known,
why me lord,
what did i ever do,
that was worth love from you,
for the kindness you've shown,

Lord help me Jesus,

i've wasted it so help me Jesus,

i know what i am,
but now that i know,
that i needed you so help me Jesus,
my soul's in your hand,
try me lord,
if you think there's a way,
that i can try to repay,
all i've taken from you,
maybe lord,
i can show someone else,
what i've been through myself,
on my way back to you,
Jesus, my soul's in your hands

Amen, Kris and Johnny... Amen.

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