Monday, September 21, 2009

If I fly or if I fall...

I decided that a good way to start my reflections would be to explain why I chose the title (if I fly or if I fall) and address (iknowtheOnewhocontrolsitall) of the blog. Several years ago I came home from a mission trip to Honduras and told my dad about the wonderful experience I had working with children and making new friends, especially with one particular friend... Sofia Lepe. Sofia was around my age and working as one of our translators and over a period of 3 years we saw each other for a week at a time, but a great friendship was formed. My dad was a great songwriter... so I asked him to write one for me, and this song was what he wrote for me:


When it’s winter time, the leaves are all brown,
When the wind blows they fall to the ground,
Sometimes it makes me think about me and you.
We hang on just as long as we can,
When we turn loose we wonder where we will land,
I’m so glad I know the Master of the wind.
Storms may come, winds will blow,
Night will fall, but this I know,
If I fly, or if I fall,
I know the one who controls it all.
I may not know much but my love is real,
Nobody on earth knows just how I feel,
But I know someone who can see down in my heart.
There are so many things that I’d like to do,
But most of all Jesus I want to please you,
So here’s my life take it, use it as you will.
I have been blessed to have all that I do,
And now the times come for me to serve you.
But if it’s in your plan Lord that I should die,
I hope I make you proud, and I hope that I,
Will always be faithful, to your plan for me.

I can't tell you how many times I have thought about this song in my relationships with different people... especially as I have moved away from my family, and experienced so many new things in my life. In each different place God has taken me, from Hattiesburg to Oxford, Oxford to Mexico, then Oxford to Hattiesburg and finally to Birmingham... God has put so many different people in my life that could be the other half of this song, and I can't tell you the blessing that is in my life... especially over the last few months since Daddy died. (... and for the record Sophia and I are still friends... I'm going to her wedding in November)

Daddy's passing was the biggest storm I've ever had in my life. I begged and pleaded with God the morning I got the phone call that I needed to come to the hospital, that the next time I came home Daddy would still be alive. I screamed at God when Daddy died... I was so mad at Him for days and days, but I finally... weeks later, made peace with my storm. Why? How?? Well, it was a process and not a pretty one. I avoided church for weeks because I couldn't honestly worship... I was still mad and didn't understand... so I avoided just about any church thing but my small group... I slept in late or went out of town on Sundays to avoid going to church. I don't quite remember when I got the answer to my question, but of course... it came from Daddy. In 2005 , when my friend Rose died from Lymphoma at the age of 22, Daddy was not very comforting to me at the time (Ironic that his words brought comfort 4 years later). He told me (and I'm paraphrasing a bit) that "God is a jealous God... and when He is ready for His children to come home, He's going to take them home." Now of course, in our human minds let's be honest... that sucks for those of us left behind. However, it makes sense to those of who have faith in Him. (... and I honestly have NO clue how people get through a loss like this when they don't believe in God/Christ/Heaven/etc...) However, if we look at the Bible, in many places we are referred to as "His." One of my favorite verses is Ephesians 2:10: " For we are His workmanship (masterpiece), created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."

This verse blows my mind on many levels (and I would get way off on a tangent if I got into... I mean, me... a Masterpiece??!!)... but it reinstates the notion that we are His!! So ultimately what I have come to understand, and have a peace about is that God didn't take my daddy away from me... because he was never mine to begin with. My dad was 100% property of God... and we all are going to have to face this at one point or another... he was my best friend whether he knew it or not and I confided in him more than any other... but he wasn't mine... he was God's...

There are so many things this song brings up in my mind... so many ways i could go to explain how my dad's words constantly impact my life. I'm laughing right now though because God's teaching me a lesson at this very moment... I'm gushing over the words of my earthly father... how much more do I need to be learning from the Word of my Heavenly Father!!! As I think of a way to wrap this up though... let's get back to the point of this entry... why I named the blog what I did...

"If I fly or if I fall" - There are valleys and peaks every day that we wake up. And sometimes, no matter how hard we try to fly and succeed, we are going to fall. There are so many things I can screw up in my daily life... so many ways I can disappoint God and be inconsistent in my Walk... but if you look at it the right way, those are opportunity to learn from your mistakes, and move on.

"I know the One who controls it all." - No matter how dark your valley is... or how bright your mountain peak may be... God is in control of it all! He created us to do His work, follow His will, and praise Him. And though that may be really hard at times... if you are one of His children, He loves you anyway... and what a blessing that is!!

My personal prayer for me is... that I'll remember all this when I'm in a valley... because I know I'll be back there at some point. (Daddy used to always used the analogy of climbing a mountain when it came to dealing with struggles...) To be honest, I don't think I'll every be at the mountaintop in regard to Daddy being gone... because I miss him so much, and there's an empty spot in my life that can never be replaced... BUT - I can, and do have a peace about where he is, our relationship, and the memories I will always have of him. Thankfully, just as there is still sadness... God is putting alot of opportunities in my life that I am able celebrate and enjoy... just a reminder, that He is SO in control!


  1. Thanks for sharing Kacey! I can't even begin to imagine the loss of my earthly father. My prayers have been with you and will continue to be with you.

    This post was great, and when I saw the website posting on facebook I thought, that's a really great name. I really enjoyed the song your dad wrote and it's so true. If we fly or fall, we know the One who controls it all!

    Love ya dear!

  2. i love that song. it's beautiful and i can hear the tune in my head even though i've never heard it.

    that really is good advice your daddy gave. i'm going to think on that for a while.