the Bull Riding bond...

I had a lot of bonds with my daddy... but i think the most unique was probably our love of watching bull riding. It all started during the summers I was home during college. There was one tv in the house, and if daddy was home, we watched what he watched... and he watched bull riding. I guess I started watching between freshmen and sophomore year, because I can remember watching it in my room in the residence hall... Daddy would call me after a good ride, and I would call him to talk about the event when it was over... on weekends when we were both home, we would watch together and usually keep mom up from yelling at the TV while it was on (we liked to enthusiastically cheer the riders on... well, I still do.).


Last Spring (2009), PBR came to Birmingham and Daddy actually took 2 days off work so that he could come to town and we could go together. We had a really good time until his boss called him to go to work on the 2nd day and he had to leave early. We actually got to be apart of the audience that we saw on TV every week... and that's a memory I will never forget. I'll never forget watching daddy as he had a conversation with his favorite rider, Mike Lee (who won the 2004 World Finals Event and Championship). He never told me what they talked about... but I'm sure he shared his mind with Mike... and I know daddy enjoyed the conversation too.

After Daddy died... watching PBR (pbrnow.com if you want to learn more) is just not the same. It reminds me of him so much... and the unique interest in a sport we both loved to watch. I didn't share that interest with anyone but him, and to this day I always want to talk to him about it after I watch an event. Luckily, mom has started watching more often... we texted back and forth about it tonight, and we may take a mini vacay to Vegas next year to go to the Finals (though Daddy probably wouldn't be a huge fan of that)... I really appreciate that mom has somewhat taken up an interest in PBR so that I do have someone to share it with...

This is Mike Lee from the NOLA event in April '10

Guillerme Marchi at BHam event in March '10 (mine and Daddy's first time to watch PBR live)

Obviously bull riding was not the only bond Daddy and I shared... I don't think I could list them all. Today is one of those days that I think about him a lot, and the weirdness that he is not present in my life anymore. It's been 17 months since he died... but sometimes I still have to think about it, about that horrible day to remember that he isn't here on earth with me any more. Today I was thinking of this as I was driving around town. In a way I think I feel guilty for how little I mourned my grandparent's death in relation to his. Yes, I miss seeing them... but I don't ache for them like I do daddy. I don't weep for their loss like I do his... and I don't know that that will ever stop. I truly don't. I believe that there will always be times (and they are getting fewer and farther between) when I just cry... for no particular reason other than something reminds me of him.

I try to imagine what life is like for them in Heaven. John 14:2 the bible says:

{In My Father's house are many mansions , if it were not so, I would have told you.}

I wonder if each dwelling place is unique to it's resident. But at the same time... if all we do in Heaven is Praise and Glorify God... do we have a need for a unique residence. If we do... are we in areas with our loved ones? Does Pawpaw have his lawnmower? I feel like Heaven is a subject I should study more... what is the reality of our eternal dwelling place?

As I looked up the above verse... I had to laugh at the John 14:1. It's one of those moments where God hits you in the head with a reminder that He is here, right beside me as I cry about missing daddy, and type it out for whoever may be reading it.

{Let not your heard be troubled;

you believe in God, believe also in Me.}

John 14:1

Love Y'all, Kacey

Lessons learned in church today...

In church today I learned/thought about several things:

I. There are 3 songs that I cannot sing, because they some how remind me of daddy..

1. It is well with my Soul (because though it is with my head and my heart... it's still hard to say)
2. How Great Thou Art (because when we were on vacation to Tennessee daddy recorded that song... and I loved hearing him sing it, and I always think of him singing it when I hear it)
3. In Christ Alone (because we sang this song at church on the last Sunday daddy ever attended church... and though I love the song, the words, and the meaning... I can't sing it all without crying)

II. I adore the song Total Praise, and the choir arrangement of it. The first time I heard it was at a Gospel Choir Concert at Ole Miss... and I fell in love with the song then. It's one of those that just gives you chills when you hear a choir sing it live (which happened in church this morning). I have tried to find UMGC's version... but could not... But here's 2 videos of the song. One is of a choir singing it, and the other is several HBCU marching bands playing it. The lyrics are below:

Choral version (just a picture... but listen!): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phBXe4RN3t8

Marching Bands: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44gS6CfkxrE

Lord, I will lift my eyes to the hills

Knowing my help is coming from You

Your peace You give me

In time of the storm.

You are the source of my strength

You are the strength of my life

I lift my hands in total praise to You.

You are the source of my strength

You are the strength of my life

I lift my hands in total praise to You.

Amen, AmenAmen, AmenAmen, AmenAmen

III. 0ur pastor began a sermon series on the Attributes of God. He talked about the 3 ways that God reveals himself to man.

1) His Creation,
2) His Word,
3) His Son

The third one there hit me... because I realized that just as Jesus was used to reveal God to His people, I am my daddy's representation on Earth. From June 20, 2009 on, any new friends I make in life will not know anything about my dad, and will not have the option of meeting him. So it is my responsibility to reveal my dad to others through my life.

.... friends... that's pressure.

IV. One of the last things I found that Daddy wrote came from Isaiah 55:8-9, and I didn't know that till today:

my Heavenly Father's words:

{"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are My ways higher than your ways,

and My thoughts than your thoughts..."}

Isaiah 55:8-9

my daddy's words:

{His ways are not like ours. His thoughts are not like ours. They are higher.

That is why God's plans for our lives seldom make sense in the early stages.

Only after we begin to see results of following His instruction do we realize

how wrong we are and how right He is.}

- Dannon Cole

V. 2 great quotes from my pastor Danny Wood today:

"It takes more faith to believe there is not a God, than to believe there is."

"You never quit learning about God - that's why you never graduate from Sunday School."

Les Amo,
Kace

Walking through open doors...

Previously, I have written on my blog about my begging of God to open doors of opportunity which would bring important change in certain areas of my life. Thankfully, an answered prayer came today as God opened the door of a new opportunity for me this week and I walked through it today...

I am so thankful for this opportunity (which I hope to be able to elaborate upon in the future), However I realized as I am reflecting on the day... that sometime's walking through God's doors can feel like going to a surprise party. Things are unexpected but you enjoy them. Last night as I was getting ready to tuck in for the night I grabbed Daddy's bible, closed my eyes, and started flipping the pages. His bible opened up to Proverbs Chapter 3, in which he wrote the words, "to my son Shane, to my daughter Kacey." As I started scanning the words I had to laugh as I literally said aloud, "thanks Daddy." These verses truly put my preparation and worry over this new opportunity into great spiritual perspective. (The verses I have underlined are ones that Daddy underlined in his bible.)

Proverbs 3: 1-14

1 My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
2 for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you prosperity.
3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
8 This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.
9 Honor the LORD with your wealth,
with the firstfruits of all your crops;
10 then your barns will be filled to overflowing,
and your vats will brim over with new wine.
11 My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline
and do not resent his rebuke,
12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in.
13 Blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
the man who gains understanding,
14 for she is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold.

Basically friends, the way to be a wise man is to forget your own knowledge and seek the wisdom of God, and to respect and acknowledge His position ... because no matter what doors open, He is in charge of the party and the outcome is known only to Him.

Thank you God for sending me these special words from you and my daddy when I needed to prepare myself by having a calm spirit and calm heart. Thank you for open doors and I pray that I will always continue to be wise and trust you, no matter what is on the other side of the door.

Love Y'all,
KC

The Road to Peace

You know those times when you feel like you have accomplished something, or made it to the next step... and then you totally digress? Well, I had one of those moments tonight. I looked at a picture of Daddy on facebook that Shane posted and just started weeping. Pure, unadulterated weeping. Sometimes I think I have done so well dealing with his death... and then there are nights like tonight... when I just want to see him, to hear his voice... I am desperate to touch him but I know I can't. If you have never felt this before it's just an indescribable and miserable feeling. I just sat on my couch crying for a minute, and immediately reached out for the thing that I feel brings me closest to Daddy... his Bible.

I started flipping through the pages, sniffing the pages even for some familiar scent of him which is long gone and simply touched the pages that he flipped and turned so many times. Of course, I was inadvertently looking for some kind of message for myself... because in the midst of all that is going on in my life... I desire more change. A change in scenery, a change of attitude, a message from God that He's listening and that He knows my heart (which yes, I know He does... but my earthly mind desires some sort of confirmation). Somewhere stacked in the Old Testament were a stack of papers, scrawled with his half cursive/half print left slanted lettering that caught my eye. I share it here with you (In Print and Photo)... maybe it will give us both something to think about:

Philippians 4: 4-7

- The Road to Peace-

1) Rejoice (in the Lord) relationship (remove guilt), again - REJOICE!!! (important)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
2) Don't worry - (It's an insult to God's watch care)

In everything:

• In Sorrow
• In Success
• In Peace
• In Panic
• In Failure
• In Turmoil

By

Prayer (asking) ----------------------------------- Supplication (petition)

With Thanksgiving

(Thanksgiving = faith in results of Recognition of God's faithfulness)

make your requests

KNOWN TO GOD

The Peace of God (Can't be understood - makes no sense)

Shall

Keep Your hearts (settle your Spirit)

Keep your mind (calm you fears, remove your doubt)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is accomplished THROUGH Christ Jesus.

In his bible, beside these verses in Philippians he wrote, "Don't Worry Be Happy!", Also in the note he references the song Tell it to Jesus:

Tell it to Jesus

by: Ed­mund S. Lo­renz, 1876

Are you weary, are you heavy hearted?

Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus.

Are you grieving over joys departed?

Tell it to Jesus alone.

Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus,

He is a Friend that’s well known.

You’ve no other such a friend or brother,

Tell it to Jesus alone.

Do the tears flow down your cheeks unbidden?

Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus.

Have you sins that to men’s eyes are hidden?

Tell it to Jesus alone.

Do you fear the gathering clouds of sorrow?

Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus.

Are you anxious what shall be tomorrow?

Tell it to Jesus alone.

Are you troubled at the thought of dying?

Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus.

For Christ’s coming kingdom are you sighing?

Tell it to Jesus alone.

Sadly, I answered YES to the majority of the questions within this song because to be honest... no matter how hard I try or how much I pray I am anxious over things such as Pawpaw's health, my professional future... I cry unbidden tears and I grieve time lost with family and friends... this song just rings true for how I feel right now. As a Christian, though we have been found by God... I think it's fair to say that some times we feel lost even though we are not. When things aren't going our way (When God says "no") or when life changes because the people in it move or pass away... all of that leaves me feeling, well, a little lost... because I am searching for things that aren't necessary. I look for jobs, I look for stuff that reminds me of Daddy (I took a pic out of his guitar case this weekend), I look to friends for affirmation and comfort...but where should I be looking... to the God of it all... the One who promises that He knew me before I was born, the One who gave His Son for me, the One who says "Hey Kacey... let me know what you need, even though I already know (Philippians 4: 19)... but here's the kicker Kacey, I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED BETTER THAN YOU DO!!"

Well Hello Reality, how are you?

There are so many things to think about, grieve about, and learn about as we travel this Road of Life. We will go places, meet people, and do things we never expected... but God knew about it all along. He equips us for Peace even when we don't know that we need it or don't seek it. But Oh, when you feel it... it's perfect.

I pray that we will all find Peace as we go through the turmoil, success, panic and sorrow of our lives, and that we would Tell Him our troubles so that we get closer and closer to that Peace on a daily basis. It's available to us...but we have to remember our end of the bargain... don't just ask God for things... THANK HIM FOR THE BLESSINGS!

Love Y'all,

KC

Birthday Blog...

I went to bed last night crying.

I was thinking about how I wouldn't get a phone call today from my dad or my grandmother.

I was thinking about how I will never read daddy's words on a greeting card that were always so much better than whatever Hallmark could come up with.

I was thinking about not matter how much sadness I feel at his loss, that I will thank and praise God for his Life and hopefully one day be able to praise Him in regard to his death.

I was thinking about how I used to always thank God and be amazed at the fact that God made me such a perfect daddy... we were two puzzle peices that fit together, and how no matter what has happened that I will forever be thankful for the man he was and the love he had for me.

I was thinking about quality vs. quantity... and how there are a whole bunch of people in the world who may have fathers that live to be 100, but they aren't good daddys. I'll take 26 good years over a million bad ones...

I was thinking how thankful I am that God blessed me with another year to live, love, and learn.

---

I'm crying now as I think about him again... just looking at a picture of him tears my heart out sometimes. Last night I had to hear his voice so I listened to "Kacey's song" before I fell asleep. But... as I reflect on today, my 27th birthday... despite the tears it was a wonderful day. The weather was beautiful, I spent lunch with collegues and dinner with girl friends, and thanks to my small group celebrated with some red velvet cupcakes.

As I try to think of something poignant to leave here... one of the most awesome verses in the bible comes to mind. I'll never forget the first time I heard this verse, really heard it and let it sink in... and I may have shared it here before... but on my birthday I think a verse about individual creation is appropriate.

"For we are His workmanship,

created in Christ Jesus for good works,

which God prepared beforehand that we should

walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10)

God created me 27 years ago for a reason, for a work,

and I'll be here till I complete the job.

Thank you for the birthday wishes and prayers... they have been felt and appreciated.

Love, Kacey