Friday, July 7, 2017

A vulnerable note...

I just found a note I wrote to myself earlier this spring... and as I read it today I sit here in a much peaceful place. I want to share that note, written from a sad space, but I also want to explain the reason for it: 

In August of 2016 life was grand... then one day, due to no fault of my own or anyone in my district, I lost my job. It's hard to find out that your financial safety net is gone due to the mistakes of those on a more superior (state) level, and you can do nothing to fix it. 

The next day I started a new job, in a place I have come to love with people who are amazing. Over the past (almost) eleven months I have learned a lot from the Admin, teachers, tutors, staff members, and even the kids I work with. My goodness the kids... on the days I was really discouraged those little voices, those little hugs made it a lot better. But that change was intense financially. I took a $2100 per month pay cut. I have had to drastically change my spending habits (essentially gas and groceries only), and to be candid I would not have survived financially without the help of my mother. It has been a humbling, embarassing, vulnerable and enlightening experience. There have been a lot of days that I have felt as useless and insignificant as possible. Finances have always been my biggest concern... and this situation just multiplied that problem, exponentially. 

Since August I have applied for a lot of jobs, and though I have had some great interviews and met some nice people, every door has been shut, some have been slammed. It has been discouraging to say the least to spend eight hours in an interview only to find out you are the second choice (what's that old saying, "Second place is the First loser"... that's what it felt like) for a job that you really wanted. But I continue to pursue opportunities for my future... and I'm thankful that God has had the patience with me throughout this process that I have not always had with him. 

So here is my note I wrote on March 29...

I wish I knew the lesson I still need to learn. For that must be why I've once again entered a valley... 
A valley where I feel like I'm not enough. Second choice. A valley which is an all too familiar place, and one to which I would prefer never to return. For the valleys... they are the places where the devil attempts to steal my joy. I will be honest in saying I question my ability and God's motives. But my Joy... it is not a thing to be taken. My Joy - though sometmies it seems like a small flame, it will always be burning. 
My Joy does not come from me - it was a gift received on the day of my Salvation. It's a gift that always allows me to see the glass half full or the bright side. My Joy is what sets me apart in the valley - maybe that makes me an easier target, but if so... my God is the creator of the arrow, the wind, and the laws of physics.
My God knows my abilities when I doubt them all. 
My God knows my heart - the sad frustrated thing it may currently be... but He created it, and only He can fix it. 
Why do I doubt?Why do I feel insignificant? Why do I feel unwanted?Why do I feel like I'm never going to get out of this valley when I know He has brought me thru them before?...
Because I'm human. Because we're fallen, and because I feel the need/desire to control my situation... remember the words of your daddy, Kacey... " that He is in control, and if I cooperate, life will be better."
I want to cooperate Lord. Give me the desire for Your will and show me how. 

Wow... that was a bad place. But thankfully, I'm not there today. I have been since then... and I could be there tomorrow... but today I'm not. A few nights ago, while in that place I talked to God for a while... I held out the reigns to this situation and gave them to Him. I came to the conclusion that trying to control this situation was obviously not working... therefore why continue making the same mistakes with the same results... I can't hire myself for a job, I can only put myself out there and pursue endeavors I am qualified to pursue. Some might be easy, others (one in particular) are slightly scary... but if He is in control of it, then He will guide the decision... at least I am praying and trusting that He will. 

There are doors opening, as they have before... these may close, I don't know... but I am going to pursue them as He makes them available. 

Love Y'all, 

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