Sunday, October 23, 2011

Why I love Jesus now, but I'll love Him more later...

This morning as I got ready for church I had a realization... I am so selfish! 

I miss daddy so much - I analyze his death, and I don't see any explanation of why he medically could not have been healed... worse cases have of Leukemia have survived longer than 3 weeks after diagnosis. To me, there is no other explanation than my Heavenly Father wanted my earthly father back... 
... but that doesn't usually stop the selfish thoughts. 

There are so many moments in my future I think of... moments I want him to be physically right beside me. Specifically, when I will one day {hopefully} be walking down an aisle in a beautiful white dress toward a man I love and he would tell everyone present that he was giving me away... but in order for that to happen, to be able to do that, he would have to leave Heaven... his mansion... the physical presence of God. As I think of that, I realize it is the most selfish desire there is - for him to leave Heaven, even if he could, to come be with me. 

In church this morning we sang the hymn My Jesus I Love Thee, and I just stopped to listen to the words:

  1. My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine;
    For Thee all the follies of sin I resign;
    My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou;
    If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.
  2. I love Thee because Thou hast first loved me,
    And purchased my pardon on Calvary’s tree;
    I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow;
    If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.
  3. I’ll love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death,
    And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath;
    And say when the death dew lies cold on my brow,
    If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.
In mansions of glory and endless delight,
I’ll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright;
I’ll sing with the glittering crown on my brow,
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

This song, I realized this morning, goes through our Faith from repentance to eternity in Heaven. As we sang, the reality of the words hit me... my daddy is in a "Mansion of Glory" and "endless delight." (How could I possibly ask him to leave that?!) He is singing in that voice I miss so much, with a "glittering crown" on his brow... not a cap, not a cowboy hat... a crown! The mental image of that is so intense for me. So real. 

The verses of the song all end in the same way, "If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now." As I mentioned this song speaks of certain stages of Faith: 
  • Verse 1: Repentance
  • Verse 2: Salvation (Death to Self/Alive in Christ)
  • Verse 3: Physical Death
  • Verse 4: Eternity in Heaven 
The song, therefore, serves as a reminder that in all stages of our lives as a Christian, we are to love Him. Though I am strictly paraphrasing here, I feel like this is what the author, William R. Featherston, is saying:

"You know God... I thought I loved You when You forgave me, but I loved You more as my Savior... but wait, No... I loved You more when You were with me as You gave me my last breath and I left this earthly home for my heavenly one... but Lord once again I was wrong, I could have never loved you more than I do right now, right here in Heaven, delighting in Your presence and Your glory."

Each stage of his Faith, he loved his Jesus more and more... 

My daddy is no different, and we will not be either. Through these last few years, I've learned to love Him more. As I age (in both numbers, but more importantly in wisdom) I will love Him more. And when my time comes, when death's dew is cold on my brow, I will love Him more as I enter those mansions of Glory, see my daddy, and meet my Father. 

When I have those selfish moments, this is what I need to remember... because even if it was possible for him to leave, after the mental image of him in Heaven, I don't know that I could bring myself to ask him to give that up... How could I possibly wish that away for him or any other that I miss so dearly. 

I can't... 
I won't. 

If ever I loved the My Jesus, 'tis now. You have brought me through so much and I praise you and thank you for those moments, but Lord... on these selfish days and all others, give me strength and give me peace. 

Love Y'all, 

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