"Baby, I have Leukemia."... (something like that.)
... the phone cut out and Liz just stared at me. "What did you hear," she asked. Then confirmed the horrible news.
I couldn't talk. I didn't know what to think. I tried to dial the phone again and again but the calls wouldn't go through because we were underground. When the train got to our stop I ran. Up the stairs, on to the street, to the hotel. As soon as I got service I called Daddy back and had him tell me again.
I remember sitting on a bench outside the hotel and just crying. Liz's brother and sister an law caught up to me and didn't know why I had left the train so quickly. I couldn't stop crying, and Martha Jane was sweet enough to put her arm on my shoulder and let me cry. I think they might have prayed for me... I don't really remember. That part is real blurry.
I made plans to leave Chicago a day early. I texted everyone I knew to pray. I called my boss and told her the news, and she made plans to pick me up at the airport the next day. Liz's family left me to make plans and cry, which I needed... and I met them for dinner later.
Ryan (friend like a little brother) called, and I sobbed in an alley while I asked him how he got through his dad's cancer. I tried to rationalize in my head... I tried not to think about it... all I wanted was to get home to my daddy.
When I got back to Birmingham on Saturday, Lauren (my boss) took me back to campus and I frantically packed. I had no clue how long I would be home or what I would need. Frankly I don't remember processing it all that much. I just threw things in a bag and got in my car. I called Daddy to tell him I was on the way home and he told me that Shane was in Tuscaloosa and would be there to pick me up soon. I got mad that they were making me wait to get home... I just wanted to get home...
When I got there... I honestly don't even remember what we did. There were so many visitors. My whole family was there... some of Daddy's co workers came to visit. People were coming to say goodbye even though they didnt know it. I don't remember our last conversation at home... and that makes my heart and soul hurt that I can't remember.... I'm sure we probably sat in the swing, I'm sure we probably talked about his Leukemia... I'm sure he asked me about my trip to Chicago.... but I can't remember. I just can't remember.
It's been two years since the worst phone call of my life... but I honestly think remembering it now was worse that when it happened. When I got the call I had hope... now that I remember the news all I feel is the loss.
It's these moments that it hurts. I hate these milestones... and I hate that for the rest of my life I will recognize them as such. These milestones cause me to mourn, not to celebrate... and I hate that.
I'm going home this weekend... which is the last weekend he was at home 2 years ago.
The next weekend that I'm planning to go home is Father's Day weekend... which was when he died two years ago.
It's just hitting me how hard this next month is going to be.Please keep mom, Shane, and I in your prayers this month... Sometime you need the comfort that only God can bring... and in my shaky, crying, runny nose, emotional state right now... that's what I need. I know I'm okay... and more than anything I know that he is okay... but I miss him so much, no one or nothing can take that away but God.